Cornered in a Round Room

Portlandia

2011-12-14T13:55:00.001-05:00

Had a total numbpuck moment this week. I was reading www.bloggess.com about a TV show called Portlandia. Apparently this is a comedy about my hometown, Portland, OR. I was looking at still shots from the show and saw the lead guy Fred Armisen. My brain totally short circuited, and I started saying to myself "OMG! I KNOW that guy!" Gradually, I began to say it less and less to myself and I think I said it out loud several times. Somehow my brain made the logical leap that because this TV show was about MY HOMETOWN, and I saw someone from the show that looked REALLY FAMILIAR, that this familiar person absolutely must be someone I knew from Portland growing up. (seems totally sane, right?). Fortunately, I didn't share this theory with anyone outside the voices in my head. I have learned in 41years that it's not a bad idea to let one's impulses sit and stew a bit to allow a teensy bit of reality through.
After letting my brain feed (omnomnom) on this notion that I somehow knew Mr. Armisen because he was in a show about my hometown, and his face was familiar to me, I realized where I knew him from. HE'S AN ACTOR FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, FFS. Wow. Once again, I am very thankful that I had not shared this logical brilliance with anyone. Imagine the embarrasment, the shame, the horror. People pointing and laughing (I mean more than they do now, of course.) PEW! Pa-Ting! bullet dodged. Whew!

Gradybug 1996-2011

2011-12-09T10:39:00.001-05:00

I lost a friend last night. He was my cat for 16 years. He wasn't particularly lovey or a snuggler (unless he was cold), and certainly didn't like to be held. In other words, he was a cat's cat. He was somewhat grouchy and kept to himself. He didn't like people other than his immediate family. He went through a marking phase that required us to replace the carpet in our house. He used to terrorize the dog. Sounds like not a great loss, huh?
Here's the thing: despite his catly behavior, he was a character. He showed his affections on HIS terms. If he was chilled and he needed a warm lap, he would seek one out. He would even lower himself to be petted for a bit (not too much though). If he was hungry, he'd be your best friend until he got his fill, and then you'd cease to exist. Yes, he was a grouchy old git, but he was MY grouchy old git.
He had been struggling with thyroid issues for several years and had shown some improvement with daily medication. Here's the part where I feel guilty . . . I hadn't been very good about giving him his meds recently and I knew that in order to really treat his health properly, it was going to take several trips to the vet and time and money that I didn't have. His health had been declining over the past few weeks, and I knew he was in a bad way Wednesday, because he was barely moving around. I found him sleeping on a pile of my clothes in the bedroom and gently lifted him onto the bed. I knew he still had some life in him because he wouldn't let me cover him up to keep him warm (he did not like to be confined). He slept with me all night on Wednesday, not a good sign . . . he never spent the entire night on the bed. I noticed that his eyes were dilated and he didn't respond or blink if i snapped my fingers close to his face . . .I had a pretty good idea that he wasn't going to last much longer. Thursday morning he was still resting on the bed . . .he didn't seem to be having trouble breathing or be in pain, but it's really hard to tell with cats. I figured it would be a matter of a day or two at most.
Thursday night I came home and found him on the bed, stretched out, cool and not breathing. If I didn't know better, I would think he was just sleeping, he looked so peaceful. Even touching him, unless you paid very close attention, it was hard to tell. I let my hand rest on him to make sure he wasn't breathing.
I'll never really know, and it's a moot point now, but I hope he wasn't in pain during his last few days. He appears to have died peacefully. I'm glad to have had Wednesday night with him. I woke several times during the night to check on him and pet him gently. Interestingly, when I was a kid, I lost my first cat in a similar way - I spent the evening with him, trying to comfort him, and he had died by the next morning.
There's a part of me that feels guilty not addressing his illness more directly . . . and part of me feels relieved that he has died. He lived a good long life for a cat. He had a happy life (as happy as he could have ever have said to be). He was a shelter rescue and was given lots of love, affection and food :).
Now we have two extra Christmas stockings on the wall - one for Edison, Jen and Alex's Cat who died in July, and one for Grady. It was hard to see Alex grieve for Grady - he wasn't sure what to do with the stockings. We decided to leave them up in their memory. Their tired old bodies are gone, but their spirits and memory live in our hearts. Good boys, both of them. They are missed. I'm sure Edison gave Grady a good smack (for old time's sake) as soon as Grady passed through the pearly cat door.

Black Friday . . .

2011-11-05T17:38:00.000-04:00

. . .has absolutely no meaning to me since I left retail. It took me several years to not want to lock myself in the closet at Christmastime to get away from people. Sadly, being immersed in the decorations and music and frantic consumerism really ruined the christmas season for me for several years. Only recently have I gotten back into enjoying the lights and decorations and the music. While one of the best things about my job is the interactions with people, the frantic nature of the holiday consumer season is too much.

Lantern -o- philia

2011-10-31T13:09:00.001-04:00

OK, so anyone who knows me knows I'm a pyromaniac. I guess an extension of that is a love of candles, oil lamps and lanterns. Over the past few years I have amassed a fairly good collection of oil lamps and lanterns. In my research, I've come across several great suppliers of lanterns, lamps and the various supplies that go along with them. A few of my favorites are:
www.lanternnet.com
www.lehmans.com
www.vermontlanterns.com
One of my favorite all-around lanterns is the "cold-blast" tubular lantern. I have my girlfriend to thank for this. She grew up using Dietz lanterns when she would visit her family's cabins in the upper peninsula of Michigan.
Initially, I was skeptical, thinking that these lamps were stinky, dirty, high maintenance, and inefficient. I was very wrong. In fact, I found myself preferring the mellow light of the kerosene lantern to the overly bright propane lantern.
This style of lantern has been around for over 100 years, and it's easy to understand why. The cold blast lantern is inexpensive, easy to use and maintain, safe, and puts out a good amount of light.
The reason for the name "cold blast" is that the lantern draws in fresh air and mixes it with the exhaust gasses to improve combustion and light output. One benefit of this "remixing", depending on the refinement of the fuel, is that it gives off very low odor, which is nice for indoor use. I routinely use a cold blast lantern to read by, because I love the warm, yellow light it emits.
Another nice thing about the cold blast design is that the lantern is designed to snuff itself out if it is tipped over. This is obviously a great safety feature to have in an appliance with an open flame. The thing to remember is that if it does tip and snuff itself, the lamp is still very hot and can still combust if it comes in contact with flammables.
I often take a couple of cold blast lanterns with me while camping in place of a propane lantern. While the propane lantern has a significantly higher light output, I prefer the soft, mellow light of the kerosene lanterns. Two cold blast lanterns provide sufficient light for most tasks, and I find my eyes adjust quicker to the dark with the mellow light of the kerosene lanterns.
I call these kerosene lanterns because kerosene is the fuel that they use (duh). It is important to note, though, that there are different types of kerosene fuel which are appropriate for certain applications.
K-1 kerosene is the most commonly available and inexpensive of the kerosene fuels. K-1 is commonly used in kerosene heaters and appliances. While K-1 can be used in cold blast lanterns, a couple of it's characterisitics make it better for use outdoors. K-1 is not as refined as some of the other kerosene type fuels, and has a stronger odor that can become unpleasant for some people indoors. Also, K-1 has a lower flashpoint (121 as opposed to 145) than other fuels. A lower flashpoint can increase the likelyhood of uncontrolled burning ("runaway flame").
Kerosene substitutes (eg, Klean Heat) are highly refined petroleum distillates which have a higher flashpoint and lower impurities than regular kerosene. The benefit of this higher purity is lower odor and less chance of uncontrolled burning. Kerosene substitutes tend to be slightly higher in price than regular kerosene.
Another kerosene substitute is so-called medallion lamp oil (lamplight farms). This fuel can also be used in kerosene lanterns with very low odor for indoor use. Aladdin lamp fuel is also a similar kerosene substitute that can be easily used in kerosene lamps.
I find that because the Medallion and Aladdin lamp oils are seen as specialty premium fuels, they can be significantly more expensive than other kerosene substitutes. Some people feel that the specialty fuels are even more refined and thus have even less odor and are worth the extra expense.
Shopping for lamp and lantern fuel can be confusing. Its important to understand the difference between the different fuels because saving yourself money and purchasing the wrong fuel can be frustrating at a minimum and extremely bad for your health (and life) at the worst.
First of all, NEVER use a fuel source that was never intended to be put in a kerosene lantern. This list includes (but is certainly not limited to):
Gasoline
Naphtha (light or white gas)
Mineral spirits (turpentine)
Rubbing alcohol
Diesel fuel
Aircraft fuel
Using any of the above fuels in a lantern or lamp could result in the generation of toxic fumes, fire, explosion, and yes, death.
Secondly, make sure you use the correct type of lamp fuel. Never use 'liquid paraffin' in a tubular lantern. Liquid paraffin is designed for use with circular wicks and flat wicks that are 1/2 inch or thinner. This type of fuel is much more viscous than kerosene and has a much higher flashpoint (200 degrees F) which will result in an inefficient burn (low light output) and clogging of the wick (no burn). The inefficient burn of liquid paraffin in a tubular lantern could also result in an increase in the release of harmful gasses, including carbon monoxide. Only use liquid paraffin in liquid candles and lamps which are specifically designed for its use. Also, never use kerosene or a kerosene substitute in a lamp or candle that is designed for liquid paraffin.
Liquid paraffin is used in indoor lamps of a specific type (circular wick, fiberglass wick, narrow cotton wick) because it has a very low odor and a viscoscity that allows it to burn well in this type of application.
Another type of oil lamp that I enjoy using is called a 'dead flame' lamp. This type of lamp is a typical indoor flat-wick kerosene-type lamp. These types of lamps are generally more decorative and ornate than the tubular lamp.   While I enjoy the ambiance that these lamps provide, functionally they require more care and attention.
Because the flame isn't completely enclosed , its important to make extra sure that the lamp isn't near a source of ignition, like drapes, bedclothes, tablecloths, etc. I find that the dead flame lamps tend to emit more odor when used with kerosene and kerosene substitutes. Because the burn isn't quite as efficient as the tubular lantern, more volitiles escape into the air, causing the odor.
Knocking over a dead flame lamp is more likely to cause a fire. The good news is that kerosene tends to be significantly less volitile than other fuels, so the likelihood that the vapors will ignite is less. Obviously, its still a good idea to be careful with an open flame and any flammable fluids.
Because the dead flame lamp burns less efficiently, soot buildup occurs faster on a dead flame lamp than a tubular lamp. This is also affected by the purity of the fuel, and cleanliness of the wick.
Dead flame lamps may justify the higher cost of the premium lamp fuels since the achieved burn from these fuels is cleaner, resulting in less smell, soot and smoke.
One of the benefits of having tubular lanterns and fuel around is a ready source of light (and heat) in the event of a power outage. The safety advantage of a tubular lantern versus the open flame of a candle is obvious. The tubular lantern provides many hours of light for a very low cost. Small lanterns can burn continuously for 12-18 hours, while larger lanterns can last as long as 45 hours continuously, without the need for batteries.
Smaller tubular lanterns generate enough heat to warm water for tea, broth or soup. Larger lanterns provide enough heat to actually cook. The tricky part is making a stable cooking platform. Dietz lanterns actually makes a removable cook pot for one of their models.
Hopefully you've enjoyed reading my little dissertation as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I've fallen in love with the humble kerosene lantern as a great mood setter, invaluable emergency tool, and lovely decoration.

No Explosions from Drilling

2011-03-30T10:15:00.000-04:00

I was interested in drilling holes in my firesteels so that I could attach them to keyrings for easy transport. I did a fair amount of reading on how to go about this without causing a conflagration. There appears to be a misconception out there that the ferro rods will burst into flame from the friction of the drill bit. I can kind of understand the logic, except for the fact that the sparking action is different from a swipe versus a rotary drill. I tried drilling both with and without oil to lubricate the bit and I think the oil helps keep the overall heat from building up and lessens the occurance of sparks, but in both cases, the drilling action didn't come close to causing combustion. The only adverse affect I experienced was breaking a drill bit, and that was my own dumb fault for pushing too hard. I would recommend starting with a smaller bit to get the hole started. I had difficulty keeping the larger bit in place long enough to get the hole started. I've drilled both 3/8" and 1/4" ferro rods with reasonable success. I would recommmend having a scrap piece of wood underneath your work to prevent damage to your work table and to facilitate easier drilling. The ferrocerium material seems to be very strong , so I don't think I have to worry too much about breaking through the hole I drilled. I have broken the rods before, but they were significantly thinner than these. Pictures to follow.

Ferro-topia

2009-05-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

I've been busy, as you can see in the picture at right. You could say I'm addicted to making the SparxStyx (tm). I need to figure out a way to not end up with epoxy - black on my fingers when I make these things. The problem is that the plastic gloves I have don't allow me enough dexterity to make the handles. I'm also discovering that the 4" x 3/8" rods are actually too big. I prefer the 3" x 1/4" for portability and weight. I've been enjoying experimenting with different handle types, and I have to say I prefer the wood handles. I found an old cedar air freshener that I re-purposed here. The wood is extremely soft and easy to work. It also has a nice feel in the hand. In a pinch, the handle can be shaved and used as tinder too. The suede cord is nice too because it's soft and has a nice grip.

Yet Another Ferro-update

2009-05-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

Don't bother spending upwards of $15 on a pre-made firesteel with a handle. Get a 3/8" X 4" ferrosteel blank, wrap about an inch of the blank with paracord (or in my case, an old cotton shoelace) soak it in epoxy (I used white Gorilla Glue - it works divinely), and PRESTO! Instant firesteel. Total cost? About $6. You also get more striking surface this way. (see picture) I prefer to use an old knife or hacksaw blade as a striker.

More on Ferro Rods

2009-05-15T01:38:00.000-04:00

Hee hee hee! You said moron . . .

Sorry.

I have had a chance to test a couple of different ferro rods and have actually noticed a difference. The Swedish Firesteel type seems to be harder and sprays relatively short lived sparks. The ferrocerium blanks I've used appear to be softer and create sort of a "dripping molten metal" effect. The dripping molten metal allows you to shoot the sparks farther and light your tinder from further away. I'm still perfecting my technique with these rods and find them more difficult to light tinder close up than the harder, firesteel rod. I find myself shaving off a lot of unlit bits of the softer rods before I get an acceptable spark spray. Maybe it just takes more practice (oh damn). I guess I'll just have to experiment with lighting more fires.

Addendum to addendum

2009-05-14T17:41:00.000-04:00

Regarding teeny tiny ferro rods:

Stay away from the small, thin rods unless you are planning on mounting them on something firmer. I have discovered they have a tendency to break easily. If you're looking to conserve weight/space, get a short, thicker rod (3/16" or thicker).
After much experimentation lighting stuff on fire . . . er, I mean testing out tinders, I have reinforced my earlier statement that the tinder you use is as important, if not more important than your method of lighting it. Cotton balls. Keep 'em around. They work beautifully, dry or soaked in your favorite combustible (be careful for god's sake!).

Adddendum to Survival Geek

2009-05-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

After experimenting with the cotton soaked in paraffin, I discovered that the densely soaked "nuggets" work very well when you make thin shavings from the nugget with a knife. It takes very little of the volume of the nugget, which makes them last a long time. Several thin shavings made into a pile and ignited with the ferro rod makes a nice flame that can be built into a larger fire. I'd like to say that these soaked nuggets are probably waterproof too, but don't hold me to that. Of course, my experimentation has all been done in my nicely wind free apartment, so the proof is going to be using these in a real firebuilding situation. My guess is that the petroleum jelly soaked balls work much better in windy and/or wet conditions.

Survival Geek

2009-05-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

I've always been a big fan of survival science. I'm not obsessed with the end of the world or anything, I just like the idea of being able to handle an emergency if I had to. I'm particularly fascinated with the ability to make fire (go figure) and have been recently toying with firemaking tools and tinders. I have determined that the hands down best firemaking tool to have in your camping / survival / emergency barbeque kit is a "ferro rod" (AKA Firesteel) and some good tinder. I won't go into nauseating detail about what the ferro-rod is (that's what wikipedia is for), but if you ever need to make fire without a lighter or matches, or you just wanna impress the family at the next reunion BBQ, you need one of these. Die hard survivalists might scoff at this, but I am convinced that if I had to make fire with a bow, a piston, a friction plate, or lightning, my rescuers would find my bleached bones with my fingers worn to nubs and a nice clean pile of tinder awaiting the ember that never came.
I purchased the "Swedish Firesteel" from thinkgeek.com about a year ago for about 15 bucks because I thought it was a cool thing. It's a neat, compact package with a comfortable handle and a lanyard with a striker included. When I got it, I played with it and wasn't particularly successful in making fire . . .so I put it away. I have since learned that you can obtain ferro rod blanks (sans handle) much less expensively (about 1/3 of the cost of the "finished" firesteels.) A couple of sites that have great selection and good prices are:

campingsurvival.com

and:

usaknifemaker

Both sites have great instructional videos about how to properly use the ferro rods.

ON TINDER

Recently I've been doing some research about how to properly use my ferro rod and have had an epiphany. . . using the ferro rod is only half the equation. While striking technique is very important, it is crucial that you have tinder that accepts a spark easily and ignites quickly. To this end, I offer two simple words: cotton balls, or cotton wool. There are a number of commercially produced tinders that are waterproof, fast lighting, hot burning, and lightweight. My feeling is that unless you're a navy SEAL and need to tuck your tinder inside a flap on your wetsuit, these tinders are too expensive and over engineered for your average fire maker.
Back to cotton balls. Cotton by itself is a great start, but it burns up pretty quickly. I initially got the idea for using cotton wool from campingsurvival.com (see above) who sells cotton balls soaked in petroleum jelly as a great fire starter (in fact they use one to demonstrate the use of the ferro rods). They are selling a film canister-sized container of the stuff for about 2 bucks. I figured that I could probably make some myself for a whole lot cheaper. I did. They're great tinder, catch quickly, burn nice and hot, and it doesn't take much to get a good fire going. The bad news is that they burn pretty sootily and they're messy.
My next experiment involved drizzling cotton wool with melted paraffin. The result was satisfactory (next time I won't use so much wax), the tinder catches quickly, burns reasonably cleanly, and is much less messy than the jellyballs. The paraffin soaked cotton takes a bit more preparation because you need to shred the cotton to increase the surface area and make a nice flammable surface. If you make it like I did and use too much wax, the cotton becomes pretty difficult to shred. The good news is that once you get some good shredded fibers, it doesn't take much to ignite.
I tried a "wet test" with the paraffin cotton and decided I would just make sure to keep them in a watertight container. They don't burn well when wet. . . I haven't tried the wet test with the jelly cotton, but I would suspect that the results depend on the amount of jelly in the cotton.

05/14/09: since I wrote about the wet test above, I have tried out the jelly balls in the rain and they perform much better. I lit one in the pouring rain and the wetness didn't even seem to faze it.

ON FERRO-ROD TECHNIQUE

When I got my Swedish Firesteel, the instructions told me to scrape off some ferro rod dust onto my prepared tinder and then scrape along the rod with the striker to generate spark and ignite the tinder. I tried this technique and didn't have much success for two reasons. . . my tinder sucked and I wasn't striking the rod correctly. If you are striking the rod correctly, you really don't need to scrape off much because you will be generating flammable ferro-dust with each strike. I found that taking the striker off the lanyard on the firesteel gives me more range of motion and a better strike. I'm not going to go into nauseating detail about the correct way to use the ferro rod (the videos above do a great job of illustrating how to do it) I will say that it takes a bit of practice, but as long as you have good tinder and a correct strike, you should be able to get a nice flame with 2-3 good strikes.
There's a whole lot of really good info on the internet about ferro rod techniques and such - check it out and happy firebuilding!

Back to Blog

2009-04-25T14:55:00.000-04:00

Well, temporarily at least. I've been journaling again in various media - mainly Google Notebook, cuz that's the easiest way to make notes from my crackberry. Been feeling like I'm slipping a bit backwards lately . . .been having more dark episodes. I almost wrote black there, but they haven't really been sinking to quite that level. The good news is that I can recognize them for what they really are, and that helps me cope.
I stopped drinking (again) out of frustration in my spending habits (among other things.) It will be 2 weeks on Monday since my last drink. I haven't had much in the way of cravings, really. When I have a particularly bad day at work, I will feel the need to obfuscate my feelings, but then I come to my senses.
Dream Theater has a new album coming out in June. I'm trying to better acquaint myself with Systematic Chaos, since I haven't really listened to it much. Interestingly, I find that often I get loops of DT stuck in my head in the morning if I'm having dark feelings. Ordinarily I don't mind that, but when I'm struggling, the loops disturb me.
The dark feelings seem to be work related. When I'm feeling OK at work, I'm not down as often. Work has been a struggle lately, so there you go. The good news is that some of my feelings, values and philosophies have been validated from outside sources, so that tends to help somewhat.

I've been here hundreds of

2008-11-14T18:24:00.001-05:00

I've been here hundreds of times, even lived here. Now it feels foreign. for some reason, that makes me uncomfortable.

I've been to Lynnwood many

2008-11-14T18:18:00.000-05:00

I've been to Lynnwood many times, but this is the first time i've felt totally exposed and out of place. Makes me worry a bit how I will react

It's strange how vulnerable I

2008-11-14T18:16:00.001-05:00

It's strange how vulnerable I feel when I get out of my little life bubble.

The Big, dark clouds

2008-11-13T10:39:00.000-05:00

The big, dark clouds are rolling away like a rooftop on the world. Underneath is a bright, clear sky. Opening a day of possibilities, of hope, of beauty. It's a fresh, clean day after all of the rain.

I shudder to think what

2008-11-05T11:12:00.001-05:00

I shudder to think what my mornings might be like without the meds.

Strange comfort why is it

2008-10-28T13:51:00.001-04:00

Strange comfort
why is it comforting to me to know I'm not alone in my job dissatisfaction?

inspire me I'm supposed to

2008-10-27T15:51:00.001-04:00

inspire me
I'm supposed to be the inspiration and driving force behind my team. Who's inspiring me?

It frustrates me that so

2008-10-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

It frustrates me
that so often my mood and self worth is tied to work. My job doesn't define me. How well I'm doing at the present time doesnt

Ironic that peoples impression of

2008-10-27T15:48:00.001-04:00

Ironic
that peoples impression of me is a happy guy. I guess I cycle through emotions pretty quickly.

Insipid pt 2 Doesn't feel

2008-10-27T15:34:00.001-04:00

Insipid pt 2
Doesn't feel like it will. Keep telling self that I do what I do for the customers. Sometimes hard to believe in myself.

2 year cycle seems like

2008-10-27T15:04:00.001-04:00

2 year cycle
seems like in my career, I always get dissatisfied with my job after 2 years or so.

I am blessed. . . .

2008-10-20T19:17:00.000-04:00

I have a woman in my life who makes me feel special in so many different ways. I've not had a lot of experience in relationships, but I've never felt so whole, despite feeling fractured in many other areas of my life. I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel complete. I feel silly. I feel goofy. I feel excited. I feel giddy. I feel giggly. I feel achy. I feel light headed. I feel anxious. I feel impatient. I feel blessed.
Yup, I think that pretty much covers it. Well . . .maybe. Ok . . .That doesn't really even begin to cover it, but at least it's a start.
I never really realized that I could feel so many different things in relation to a person. Part of me is afraid that I'm throwing myself into this too much too fast. . . .whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif?
You know? If i spend too much time worrying about the "whatifs" I'll forget to focus on the "wows" and the "ooohs" and the "woohoos!" and the "awwws" and the "yeah babys!" and the infinite other wonderful things that life has to offer. I think that's what I'm so thankful for. My girl has taught me how to LIVE again. REALLY live. To not get so wrapped up in the piddly-ass shit that clogs our lives and enjoy the important stuff: Love, laughter, being silly, wondering about the world around me, making friends, making love, making laughs (are we seeing a trend here?). Generally ENJOYING life, which it feels like I've been spending a fair amount of time lately denying myself. It is so much fun to share that with someone. With someone who really GETS it. Someone who isn't afraid to make people laugh. Laughter is powerful medicine. In so many ways . . .wow. I could write a novel on that subject.
Silly me . . .I must be writin something meaningful cuz I tear up when I reread that stuff.
(editor's note . . .I was just rereading what I just wrote and discovered an interesting typo: I had written "I never really realized I could feel so many different things in ELATION to a person" I think I like that better, even though it doesn't make a whole lotta sense . . )

I feel kind of emotionally

2008-09-04T11:01:00.001-04:00

I feel kind of emotionally dammed up. Like I need a release.

When Jen left last night,

2008-09-04T10:59:00.001-04:00

When Jen left last night, meds were at full dosage and I felt a dull ache when I 'wanted' to feel the full blown grief.

Emotional notes: meds take the

2008-09-04T10:56:00.001-04:00

Emotional notes: meds take the edge off the depression, but also don't allow me to feel emotions that I 'should' feel.

Why is it that no

2008-07-30T12:54:00.001-04:00

Why is it that no matter how much extra time I have, I always push it to the absolute last minute?

This is a test of

2008-05-27T02:56:00.001-04:00

This is a test of my new mobile blog service. I wonder if my texts are limited to 160 chars per message. I'll have to see if the email works too.

. . .and back . . .and forward

2008-02-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

So over the last few weekends I have been drinking way too much . . .I told myself last weekend that I wouldn't drink, and I was successful on Friday night, but not Saturday. This weekend I told myself the same thing and was actually successful both nights. I was a bit of a slug yesterday since I pretty much stayed in all day, but I didn't spend any money aside from ordering groceries, and didn't drink. Yay me.

Moving forward

2008-01-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

I've felt oddly calm over the past couple of days, despite being in a potentially agonizingly stressful situations at work. Sure I've had my share of nervous stress at work, but I haven't had panic attacks in the mornings or bouts of depression / loneliness in the evenings. I guess my attitude is - do the best I can with what I have. I know the cats are helping me relax in the evenings. Last night I spent some quality time with them and felt really good.
I'm still struggling off and on with feelings for my ex relationship. It's frustrating to me, because I think I am moving forward and then something reminds me of her and I feel like I take two steps back.
I haven't actually made it to church since I made the decision to go - I'm kind of embarrassed about how lazy I was last weekend.

Off The Top of My Head . . .

2008-01-21T11:40:00.000-05:00

I used to enjoy scanning through the random blogs on blogger. Many of the blogs I came across were well written, or at least somewhat interestingly laid out. Now, however the pop up bastards have taken over. Every other click leads me to a blog of "willing hotties that want to meet YOU in **insert your city name here**!!!!!!! For the amazingly low low price of $99.95 per minute after the initial enrollment fee of $99.95.
This wouldn't bother me so much, I guess, if I were able to click through these blogs and go on to the next random posting. Unfortunately, those geniuses who first brought you the pop up have also designed pop ups for blogger that won't let you click away from their page. Who ever came up with the idea that "in your face" is an effective advertising method?

I Can See Clearly Now . . .

2008-01-15T10:38:00.001-05:00

It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. :)

Revoke My Seattlite Membership . ..

2008-01-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, here it goes . . .people who know me well already know this, but I could give a ruddy rat's ass about the "big game" today between the Seahawks and Green Bay. It's always kind of humorous to me when I'm at some sort of social gathering and some guy approaches me and asks me about some big game. To avoid being run out on a rail, I try to sound somewhat intelligent about sports, but I really don't care. I can appreciate a good game as much as the next fair weather fan, but I'm not gonna rearrange my life around it. The look on some people's face when I say the words "not a sports fan" is somewhat humorous and somewhat sad. It simultaneously says "is this guy really a guy?" and "Oh shit, what am I gonna talk about now?" I must be missing the sports gene. Sue me.

Struggling . ..again

2008-01-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

With my faith. "God, why do I have to go through this?"
With loneliness. This is the first time in a very long time that I haven't had a companion in my life.
With anxiety. "How will I ever do what is expected of me?" The insidious part of this is that these expectations may not even be external. More often than not, they're the expectations I put on myself.
With frustration. "How many more times do I have to go through this cycle?"
With fear. "How long can I keep doing this?"
With loneliness. "I feel like there's no one to help me"

I put the prayer flag up recently. I took it off it's string so i could order the words in a way that was more meaningful for me. Courage Wisdom Peace Happiness, and below that, Peace, Tranquility.

Writing seems to help my mood. The days are getting lighter, earlier which also helps.
At 7:34 am 01/10/2008, I finally feel calm, competent and ready to face the day. I listened to NPR this morning to try to wake myself up. I had a big cup of coffee and half a can of Bawls. Is it the caffeine? I think maybe so. Now I am late :).

Turning over anew . . .

2008-01-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's incredibly frustrating to me how someone that I have shared "love" with can be so emotionally detached about dropping completely out of my life. I know that I should be moving on and not focus on it so much, but it's really difficult for me. Especially when so many things remind me of this person. When I have moments of clarity and can look at the situation somewhat objectively, I know it was probably foolish for us to become involved in the first place, being where we both are in former long term relationships. I thought I had transitioned and emotionally disconnected from my marriage long ago, to the point where I believed I was ready to have a relatively serious relationship. Apparently I was mistaken. I have talked to a number of people who have told me that I need to give myself time to heal . . .and of course my reaction is "yeah, yeah, whatever," but damnit, it would appear that "THEY" are right.
Kind of ironic that I was the one in the relationship initially who was talking about taking things slow and just enjoying our time together. And now it appears that I'm the one who's having a harder time letting go. Maybe if I had had some sort of "closure event" to allow me to move on, it would be easier. A friend mentioned that having closure would be nice, but she also said that this person may not be able to provide that for me. I guess all I'm asking for is a "I need some time away from you" or "this just isn't working." The sudden silence after being so close hurt more than "I don't want to date you anymore" ever could. I kept searching for something that I had said or done that made her not want to be with me. As far as I know, there isn't anything.
I'm trying to use the turning of the new year to make some changes in my life (I know, I know, "such a novel concept! why didn't I think of that?!?!?") here's the list:

Lose weight, exercise regularly, eat more healthily.
Stop drinking (again).
manage my finances a WHOLE lot better.
Understand my faith/spirituality better

There's really nothing new on this list . . .it's the same old, uh you know, different year, but I guess New Year's Day is as good of a day as any to start. We have the power to change our lives every day, remember? I'm trying to take my own advice.

Happy New Year.

The Winter Solstice

2007-12-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

I will be very glad when the days start getting longer . . . .

Lightened

2007-12-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

Today is the first Monday in several weeks where I don't feel totally heavily burdened. I woke up early enough to make breakfast and have several cups of coffee. I don't know if it's because I'm excited about the prospect of my vacation next week or what, but it's nice to feel somewhat normal.
I'm still struggling with relationship issues and with getting my life back on track in a variety of ways, but it's nice to have somewhat of a sense of calm instead of the dread of getting up and facing the day.

The Power of Change, The Power to Change

2007-12-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

We have the power to change our lives every day. Sometimes that seems like one of the hardest things to do in life. The sameness of our lives (no mater how unhealthy it is) can feel so comforting. The ironic part about it is that often that "comfort" is the source of what we are trying to avoid.

2007-11-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

Even though I'm enjoying considerable success in my profession, I still find myself wondering when it's all going to come crashing down.

I wonder if I can handle the next time I start to slide into a depression.

Someone very close to me is dealing with an experience similar to mine - it scares me because I have an idea what it's like and what it can become.

Kitty Love

2007-11-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

I recently got a new kitten as a companion for my 11 year old tabby. I am also experimenting with imbedding a youtube vid here.

Hope, Courage, Wisdom

2007-07-14T17:02:00.000-04:00

Those three words have come to have significance to me recently. Not just the words and their meanings, but the sequence in which I placed them. I guess it's my own version of the "serenity" prayer ("God grant me the serenity . . ."). Having those three words in that particular order is powerful to me . .I need hope to even be able to start my day (the flicker) I need courage to be able to face my own personal demons (the ignition) and I need wisdom to be able to make good decisions about my life . .to "do what is right" as my father says(the fuel). having the three words visible to me is an abbreviated prayer:

God give me the Hope to begin my day
Give me Courage to face that what must be faced - big or small
Give me the Wisdom to make the right choices.

Above all, give me the strength to persevere and to know that you are there whether or not I choose to recognize it.

A line from one of my favorite movies (the Count of Monte Cristo) comes to mind:

"I do not believe in God, Priest."
Priest: "That matters not, for HE believes in YOU."

That line is so powerful.

Questioning my 'crisis of faith'

2007-07-12T09:26:00.000-04:00

Why is it so difficult to "let go, let God?"
Why do I feel like I'm being punished?
What have I done to deserve this?
Why do I feel so alone when I know I'm not?
Why am I so angry with God?
Why is it so hard to reach out and ask for help?

" . . .my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. In your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

That passage from the poem "Footprints" still resonates with me. maybe even more so now that I'm struggling so much . . . I just wish I could believe it and have a sense of peace about my life.

excerpt from "the voice of truth" by Casting Crowns

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

but the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
out of all the voices calling out to me
i will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Why do i have such a hard time hearing that voice of truth? And why do I have such a hard time believing it when I do hear it? More often I hear the voice of the waves - laughing, mocking.

Why can't I stand up and be the person I know I am? Why do I have to be ruled by these messy emotions?

[Insert witty title here]

2007-07-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

So, obviously I haven't blogged for a very long time. For some stupid reason i think "I should write that down" and then the little voice in my head says "ewwww! who's gonna want to read THAT?" /me smacks that little voice, throws him in the closet and puts a very large padlock on the door.
So much has happened since my last post. I have moved into my own apartment with a GORGEOUS view of Lake Union (see exhibit A)

Exhibit A: South Lake Union on Independence Day

I really love my apartment. It's close to work and centrally located. The aforementioned view is very nice. My roommate is a little weird . . he's extremely fuzzy, chases tail a LOT, likes red bandannas and is the laziest person I know (aside from chasing tail). I will say that he's good company, though.
Overall, life seems to be good. Moods seem to be on an even keel.
So here comes the deep dark soul bearing part of the programme . . .
I had stopped drinking for about 8 years due to some extreme stupidity and lack of self control around the time of my brother's wedding. With my "life changes" (read: separation) I figured "HEY I can handle my alcohol!" Well . . it appears those bottles are a bit more slippery than I anticipated. I had gone on a strict plan of abstinence (while drinking NA beer because I still like the taste) and figured that i could start drinking in moderation again. Well, I was in denial because could suck down 7 or 8 (and sometimes 2 twelve packs) in an evening . . .BY MYSELF. So any rational person would look at this behavior as problematic, but as I mentioned earlier, I was in denial.
Recently I was at my parents place for their 50th wedding anniversary (yay!) and picked up a six pack . . .and of course sucked it down in a good couple of hours. This alarmed my parents . . .and thank GOD my dad came to me and said so . . .not in a condescending "bad boy idiot" kind of way, but in a "We love you and are concerned about you" sort of way. My sister struggled with alcoholism and my parents have a lot of guilt about her death. Hearing him go through those same kind of feelings because of me . . .was enough to make me go sober again. It was a good kind of reality check for me. I am so thankful for my family.

2007-03-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss in my writings lately. Not that there is a contingent of eager readers hanging on my every word (or in SK's words, Constant Reader).
Much has happened in my life recently. I have made some major life changes. It appears that I have found a medication that seems to round off the sharp edges of my anxiety which in turn helps the depression, which in turn has helped my work life.

Meetin' People on The Interweb :)

2007-02-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

I've recently met some incredible people online. I used to be one of those people who was wary of meeting people in the world of wide web, because of the ability of people to hide their true nature. However, I have had the opportunity to meet some really interesting people through chats and SL. I've never been the type to go out and meet people in the usual haunts (pubs, bowling alleys, video arcades, bus stops, animal shelters, under bridges . . .etc) because I'm usually too shy to talk to people unless there's some common ground other than "Hey! you're drinkin' water! I drink water TOO! - that is so cool!" I think the appealing thing about chats, IM's and SL is that I have the opportunity to get to know someone based on the way they communicate . . and while it's easy to hide certain things about your personality, I think the way a person communicates says a lot about who they are as a person. Obviously, learning about a person comes about through more than one single chat . . .it requires multiple encounters under different situations . . .strangely enough much like how we learn about people in face-to face communications.
I like the fact that I can learn about people's personalities before even getting a visual . ..because to me the personality is the lasting piece of the friendship, and yes it is possible to present a false image of who you really are, I think that through multiple conversations with a person, you can begin to get a pretty good picture of who they are. You still need to be careful in this day and age of online stalkers - obviously you have to be careful in face to face encounters too.
I love to learn about people's senses of humor . . that is the most common connection point for me. I find online, I can relax and let my sense of humor out and just kinda be me. In face to face contact, I can do that eventually, but many times my shyness gets in the way of me being me, and I don't really have the chance to ever get to know a person.
if someone makes me laugh, it's usually a good indicator for me . . .I like a clever sense of humor, and have a love of words and puns. It's geeky I know, but hey . . it's me.
I've had the opportunity to meet some incredibly intelligent, talented people that I might not have had the opportunity to encounter in everyday life. Don't get me wrong, I meet a lot of really interesting people in my everyday job, but I can take this to a new level online because people are comfortable talking about themselves with a screen between them and others.
I really enjoy meeting people. :)

Paradise and Magical Light

2007-01-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

A lot of people might look at me funny when I make the claim that the Pacific Northwest is paradise . . .with the rain and the months on end of overcast weather. I don't know if it's the fact that we in the NW corner of the country don't see much of the sun or what, but lemme tell you . . when the sunshine does come out . . .wow. It is truly glorious. We have some of the bluest skies you'll ever see.
I love the early light. It's magical. Especially when it's misty and the sunrays create shadows through the trees. Photography is a hobby of mine and one of the biggest challenges I face is to get the lighting just right. Lighting makes the difference between a boring shot and a spectacular shot. My favorite times of day to take pictures are at first light and sunset. Something about the low angle of the sun makes everything vibrant, rich and detailed.

Lighten up FGS!

2007-01-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

OK, so that last post was a bit heavy. My apologies, but depression is a serious thing, and I do wanna help people if I can. maybe I shouldn't try to save the world with my silly little blog.

The Dark Side

2007-01-27T17:13:00.000-05:00

I recently came to realize that I have been dealing with generalized anxiety and depression for most of my adult life in one form or another. I have been actively trying to treat my anxiety and depression for about 2 years now. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea of taking a medication for an emotional disorder. I had the attitude that this was something I should be able to control on my own . . . I percieved myself as weak for not being able to control the mood swings and anxiousness. I finally realized that I wasn't going to be able to do this by myself. I have been trying several different medications in the past year or so that have worked with varying degrees of success, but nothing has been the cure-all
I believe people who have not experienced depression have a misconception of what it is like.
I understand that depression is a deeply personal thing and that each person experiences it differently, but, I do know that depression is so much more than just a feeling of "sadness". I have felt the emotional extremes from mild irritation to a hollowed out feeling that leaves me devoid of any self confidence, self worth, or sense of humor.
I had a normal childhood, stable family life (parents still happily married after 50 years) , a close relationship to my nuclear family, so why am i going through this? I'm still trying to answer that question.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who also deals with anxiety on a daily basis, and she offered me some very good advice: talk about it. I was having an extremely tough morning and she was there for me, let me vent my frustrations, talk about what I was feeling, and gain a little perspective on what I have been dealing with.
I offer this blog as a forum for those who experience anxiety and depression (and even those who don't) as a place to talk about it. Share your experiences. What helps? What doesn't?

No one should ever have to deal with this alone . . . .

So please . . .Talk about it.

First Post

2007-01-27T16:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, so forgive me for being a noob, but this is my first attempt at a blog and frankly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know some people use blogs as a journaling device, but i'm just not sure if I want my skeletons hung out on the laundry line for just anyone to see. I think this might be a good opportunity to try it out and have a journal that I can access from any computer, but again, I feel like I should be careful what I write.
I would like to think that what I write might actually attract some people, but hell, who knows?